Disagreements happen to all couples, not just those that are in the rocky period. Situations, stress and every day challenges can creep into an intimate relationship and cause problems. Without intention, rejection can occur and defenses go up. What we find at this time is usually a stalemate. Who gives in first? Who reaches out to bridge the gap? The circumstances have been dealt with, the necessary conversation has taken place but the icy wind of hurt causes two people to act more like acquaintances than loves. The casual touch or grabbing of a hand is gone and the ease of turning to share your every other thought is replaced by long silences. You’re ready to make up, but the question stands… Who first?
Due to personality makeup and the lovely baggage we all bring into relationships it usually tends to be one person. You see, baggage can cause you to be the one who is waiting for the overture or it can make you the person who cannot wait for the end of the stalemate. Sometimes this person feels that it is unfair that they give in and reach out all the time. And at times this could even be the person who felt the rejection in the first place. My conversation today is with you; the peacemaker.
Recognize your gifting! It might not seem like a gift, not being able to endure the distance, but it is. I have found over the years that all it takes is a few kind words or the reach of my hand into my Love’s to begin the thaw of the frigid tundra surrounding my marriage. Yet it has taken years to see that ability as a gift. After all if I was the one who was hurt, shouldn’t the other person do the “fixing”. I always wanted the big gesture to come from my husband. Why does it always have to be me?
Why? Well mainly because I am equipped to be able to handle the road it takes to come back. Not always is your husband or wife able to face the rejection that might be the first response to their reaching out. Maybe their childhood or your first years of marriage has made them gun-shy. Also it might just be their personality. If you have a spouse that thinks everything through before acting you might find yourself waiting forever, because they are considering every possible scenario in the book. Making the right decision is imperative to them, where you might be willing to test the waters much quicker.
The key thing to remember, whether or not they respond to you when you reach out, is that love breaks down walls. I find that when I slip the hand in or touch him when I pass by, I get a positive response. My spouse is simply waiting to see if one of the moves they considered would be the right one. My action puts him into action and the healing that occurs through establishing the intimacy of touch begins once again.
Sometimes people just need to know their connection is welcome. This is the powerful truth we reveal as the peacemaker: You are loved and connection with you is valuable. This is a place of vulnerability and one that the enemy does not want couples to step into. If you only concentrate on who is right and who deserves the first move of love, the two of you remain separated inside and out and a grieving of lost connection continues. If you say, “Ok, I trust God, not my spouse as I reach out in love”, your vulnerability is toward God. It is an openness for Him to bring healing and restoration, not from a place of weakness.
So Peacemaker, you are not the weaker because you don’t stay mad forever. Your drive to end the stalemate is a gift and you need to begin to see it this way. Two shall become One, you are the strength in this area of your marriage and they possess other strengths. You need each other and the treasure you give of bridging the gap is so longed for by your spouse. In reality they might not be sure what is the right move and are cautious not to cause a deeper divide.
Recognizing our strengths make us more confident in our marriage. Gone are the years of waiting for a response that I believe will make me “feel better”. Now I can easily discuss my emotions in a way that opens communication because we both know the discomfort of confrontation won’t last days. This is a powerful place, but it has been birthed from years of operating in my gifting as the peacemaker.
The openness toward God and the realization that your gifting as a reconciler and peacemaker will cause you to see disagreements simply as miscommunications rather than challenges for who is “right”. So the next time you become frustrated with being the peacemaker; know your gifting, understand your value and open the door to God to bring the peace you both desire.
Romans 12:18 (AMPC)
If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Galatians 5:22-23 (AMP)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.
*Please be aware that we are not in any way suggesting that a person should allow abuse or retaliation. This post is addressed to couples within safe situations and circumstances. If you are in any way in a situation where you feel danger or are subject to mental or physical abuse, we strongly recommend that you seek professional assistance in the form of your doctor, pastor, priest or local law enforcement agency immediately.