Almost every morning I realign myself to my goal for the day. Sometimes the goal is to make it through the day, allowing my body to fight what is coming at it. From the outside I may look like a champion, but even though I am holding ground in so many areas the ones that I am not scream “failure” at me.
I know that doesn’t sound very spiritual. My eyes shouldn’t be on the circumstances that surround me. Yet at times they rear their ugly head and they have to come to the front of my priority list. One of these is the weight gain during this battle.
Steroids, a major thyroid issue and chronic pain that inhibits movement are all explanations for the weight gain. Explanations are not necessarily excuses, but they can become reasons for a less aggressive resistance in this area. Explanations also don’t stop the frustration at myself for not curbing all but necessary food intake. And today was the day that I have been planning for mentally. The morning when my goal for the day is now aggressively pursuing a specific eating plan, phase four on the treatment plan.
Isn’t it interesting that on the day of decision; the scale registered two pounds higher than I thought I would be starting, all my interim clothes look terrible and the fact that I have nothing in my refrigerator leaves me frustrated and gloomily looking at myself in the mirror? “How did you get here again?”, my reflection asks. My mind questions how hard it is going to be to see progress on this journey. All the negative self-talk I warn others about comes rushing forward.
So I give myself a dose of my own medicine, a decision to turn on “self-love” and ditch the self-loathing. I remind myself that I am a champion. My body has been under attack and God has equipped me every day in Him to meet each challenge. This next phase of healing, a renewed/adjusted eating plan cannot be harder than low-dose chemo. I can do this in Him. I cannot get the glory when I lose weight so I cannot take the shame when the scale and clothes try to scream “failure” at me.
If I lean on Him for everything and I truly believe in an “in Him” lifestyle, then I can lean all the emotions, reasons this will be hard and the focus on “where I used to be” back on Him. Today is about the next phase of healing, the next plan of attack against the battle that has raged against me. Today is no longer about whether I was good or bad in regards to my food choices, but about receiving all I need from Him to no longer rely on food to get through the tough days of treatment or recovery.
Today is about success. Why? Because today I stopped thinking about why I am here and I turned to God and said, “Ok, I am here in You. Be my strength and my help. Answer all negative self-talk with Your truth about my identity in You.” Today became once again about Him rescuing me. It stopped being a story of failure and became a love story of rescue and redemption.
Let Him be your Love Story too.